Humour for Dummies

2004-07-14T20:07:00.000+08:00

O yeah... About number 2? THERE IS NO NUMBER 2!!! AHAHAHAHA!

2004-07-14T19:35:00.000+08:00

PROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOJECT'S DAY FINALSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!

OMG I GOTTEN IN I CANT BELIEVE I GOT IN I MEAN I GOT IN I CANT BELIEVE IT ITS SO UNBELIEVEABLE OMG OMFG O MAN O MAN I MEAN I DONT ENEN USE PUNCTUATION AND I GOT IN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok. maybe i DO use punctuation.

And... OMG I DID 3 PERSONAL BESTS AT THE SWIMMING COMP!!! Now, I shall list them in an unnecessary (or unNECCASARY if you're ashley) list.

50 Fly: 33.sumthinsumthin.
50 Free: 29.2sumthin.
50 Breast: 40.22

Ok, Happy time over. Rant time now.

1. Lower House!!!
The voice of the students! Bridging the faculty and the student body! Putting drones of students to sleep! Sessions basically go like this:

Chairman: This is a lower house meeting. Now we shall discuss an important bill. (opens powerpoint) We are here today to discusds the specific hue of sock allowed in school, as Mr Jeffrey Lim has complained that some of the students' socks are "off-white". Now we shall go through the bill. Go through the bill. point out any mistakes please.

Guy: Err... you spelled "colour" without the "u".

Guy2: But they're just using american spelling.

Guy: But We're in SINGAPORE, not in AMERICAN...

Guy2: Haha. You said "Not in american"

Guy: You wanna make something of it?! FWA!!!!

Chairman: Hey. Stop... uh... fighting. Ok. Let's debate on this issue. I will need 4 people, 2 in favour of accepting American spelling and 2 in favour of shunning it. Anyone? Anyone?

*20 MINS LATER*

Chairman: Anyone? You? Huh? just airing your armpit? Huh? What? Anyone? Anyone?

*20 MONTHS LATER*

Guy: I'll go.
Guy2: Me too.
Guy3: C'mon, guy 4, let's volunteer!
Guy4: No! Fuck you! Hey! Lemme goooooooooooooooooooooooo!

*58 MINS OF TALKING IN CIRCLES AND LOUSY ATTEMPTS AT PUNS LATER*

Chairman: Now we shall vote on the topic... Hey! Waddaya know! Its a TIE! Now we ALL win!
Guy4: Fuck you.

*Lather, rinse, repeat*

Chairman: Well now that we've decided on that, let's move on to bill 2 of 19. O wait. I have to take my motorised wheelchair test, cause IM TOTALLY LAME! BYE BYE!
Guy4: Eh... Fuck you.
Shylock: My Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucats!
Bassanio: Fo' shizzle mah nizzle!
RI: Ra ra ra raffles!!!

Ooooooooooook. Now I go bye bye. so bye bye.

"Yeah? Well you're so stupid, someone could tell me I was ten times smarter than you, AND IT'D STILL BE AN INSULT!"

2004-07-04T19:09:00.000+08:00

Whee... coach is on a power trip... and has split personalities... in front of a certain teacher in charge who shall not be named(TIS' KEE!), he's usually like this:

Kee: I'm gonna implement a totally redundant and dazzlingly-new fangled concept!!!

Coach: Wo ren wei ji lao shi shuo de you dao li... (I feel that kee teacher says like got philosophy)

Kee: I'm gonna need 64 hours of your training sessions.

Coach(acting like he understands): Ah, shi, shi. (Ah, is, is.)

But when she's not within earshot...

Coach: Wo shi jiao lian! (I is coach) Ru guo ji lao shi yao zhuo jiao lian, jiu jiao ta lai zhuo jiao lian lor! (If kee teacher want be coach, then call her come be coach lor!)

And on saturdays...

Coach(Behind sunglasses and lianhezaobao): Snoooooooooooore...
Tape player: Eh! shi si miao lah! You she me yong! Yao jian ci! (Eh! four ten seconds lah! Got what use! Want persevere!)

And of course, during his spare time:

Coach(Leaning over a cage full of cats who are 172% saturated): Yao he shui ma? (Want drink water?)
Cats(Drowning and saturated): Ahh! Water! And a guy with a TYR water bizzle!

But matters of cruel water pizzle coaches and teachers-in-chizzles and water bizzles aside, IM GONNA B A MILLIONAIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yup. I'm gonna cash in using the over-saturated comic-book hero movie market!

My character will be like: The totally un-sueable, amazingly gamma-ray-isized arachnidguy! He will have the power to evade copyright laws and court orders at the speed of light! Nah, just kidding. I'm allergic to gamma rays!

My character will be... TAPIRPERSON!!!!

Yes, senior citizen bingo night bingo announcer by day, but superhero by twilight, and drooling unconscious guy at night, Maha Ganeshariff Necromancess Kuwanger Magmard III gained his strange and amazing powers when he was 17, while going to the padi fields in his hometown of Peebleedooblee in Wales, India to collect falcon bile. How? Well, I'm going to elaborate now, duh. Just as he was going to extract the bile from the falcon, a weird, sage-like generic character wearing a cloak and a feathery hat with the words "I love NY" on it, approached him, pleading him not to kill the poor defenceless crature who could have use its talons to rip his eyes out at any moment. Then he lectured MGNKM III with some crap talk about nature with some over-generalised analogy to football and arsenal. Then, He struck a deal with MGNKM III, telling him that he would give him great powers in the cliched form of an animal spirit, if he would let the falcon go. And so MGNKM did. And so the sage guy did. And so the deal was completed, and so some corny, mystical, enigmatic tapir spirit appeared from nowhere and then sort of went into his body and then and then... you know the drill. After the thingy was over, he awoke to find he had the following list of super powers*, which the sage guy gave him, neatly printed out, before suddenly disappearing:

1.He grew a long, fleshy upper lip
2.His body became heavy
3.He became related to the horse and rhino
4.People started to mistake him for a anteater.
5.He became excessively angsty(Not really a super power but wad the heck)

Then he fell in love with a girl out of his league and got sucked into in a battle to the death with the blatantly evil, wants-to-destroy-the-world-for-no-reason-ish Mr. Sock Puppet, who was, unbeknownst to him, his brother's distant friend's doctors's cousin's clerk's teacher's grandfather's psychologist's florists's pageboy's classmate's orthodontist's chiropractor. Ok you got me he's a total stranger to Maha Ganeshariff Necromancess Kuwanger Magmard III. But I bet Yamato Anubis Kahn Forte Dragooness II knows him... And I know who YAKFD II is! He's imaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaginary!!!

Ok! gotta make millions! See you all in... uh... wads the name of a place where reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeely rich ppl go?

"As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error."

2004-06-29T20:21:00.000+08:00

shit... 2dae was screwed. i hate diagnostic tests. wad happens during diagnostic tests is so predictable. i hate diagnostic tests. they always go like this:

Teacher: There's no way you can fail this diagnostic test.

*half an hour later*

Teacher: I can't believe all of you failed that diagnostic test.

Heh. Heh heh. Lol... feuds r breaking out in the team... to put things in a completely incoherent manner:

sean like irritating yip kang
tohzey like irritating yip kang
wen yuan like irritating yip kang
diyou like steak
yip kang like kicking ppl hu like irritating him
clement like braces
everybody like irritating clement
han lin anyhow irritate ppl
i like 50 x 50 fly
kevin cannot be killed by Hindus
ian... uh... ian... he uh... he... hold on... he... uh he... uh... ian... he lag.
chen feng... ULTRAMAN!!!

speaking of stupid things, i'd like to dedicate a special section to words or phrases that are never used properly.

1)Reverse Psychology
Lol... this is seriously moronic. anything is described as reverse psychology nowadays... for example,

A: It's ok, really, I mean, you don't have to help me with this. I'll just... I might turn suicidal, but... nevermind.
B: Damn, stop that reverse psychology!

2)Ironic
On to the example! (bai pose)

(from dilbert newsletter)
A: Did you hear? Bob got killed by an asteroid! Ironic, huh.
B: Why? Was he an astronomer?
A: Uh... no... but what are the odds, huh?
B: So... anything unlikely is ironic?
A: Err... no, it also has to be bad.
B: This conversation is ironic.

3) Basically (Technically, etc.)
These are basically(AHAAAHHAHAHAAA NOW THATS IRONY YOU FAGS) time wasting shit words. Technique used by Ho Koff Koff a lot.

A: The secret to being successful is trying your best and subsequebtly pwning everyone else, so technically, trying your best and subsequently pwning everyone else is the secret to success.

these are bad words. baaaaaaaaaaaad words. don't use.

"Dude, you cry more than a French soccer player."

2004-06-20T19:30:00.000+08:00

I'm posting!!! Yes!!! Somewhere between suddenly finding looking for stupid mp3s boring and downloading the trial version of monopoly cause i lost the stupid board, i've developed the sudden, inexplicably inexplicable urge to blog!!! My parents chose a bloody good time for a 4- day trip to cambodia... cause i cant go anywhere cause my legs are half numb cause training is tough cause coach is facing traumatisation due to male-pattern baldness. Now this may just be the chlorine in my frontal lobe talking, but OMIGAWD 20 X 50 FREE IS THE COOLEST EVER!!! AND I LOVE THE WAY MY ARM HURTS LIKE CRAP AFTER TRAINING!!! But now i'm beginning to think that's not so much cause of the chlorine as... it.. the... 100 Plus... drugged... every saturday... we're givurgglughbluhhh *choke* fubleagh stupid... *gurgle*... kow... Now that my horrible episode of chokingly notfitforhumanconsumtionsness is over... time to vomit... Okay... now that my horrible fit of regurgitationity is over...

...And I'd like to thank Zhi Hong, who made an effort to present this as a workable alternative to boredom...

2004-06-20T19:29:00.000+08:00

Ok... the 1st time in a month. And about 2 weeks.

2004-06-20T19:28:00.000+08:00

wait... why am i here? why am i so desperate for kicks that i'm actually blogging for the 1st time in... uh... never mind.

2004-05-01T22:40:00.000+08:00

Finally posting again. I'm not obligated to give a reason, but to seem very caring, I'll put a reason so vague and obvious that it doesn't help at all. You see, I had problems. Yeah. Let's go with that. Cause I sure as hell didn't sit in the middle of my room for a week and meditate while trying to find the meaning of life and in the course of that formulating many deep, philosophical... uh... philosophies. Mainly cause that usually happens in the course of solving my problems. In fact, I'll probably write a book one day, most likely titled: "Things that Hong Chen Threatened to Shove Up My Ass". Chapter One, Everything in his sight. But seriously, I've created a theme that'll probably hold me in good stead through many seminars directed towards people who need help in stuff that earns me about $10.49 a seminar. In total. And of course, the theme is:

Life is like a Team Sport

and of course I'm gonna explain how so:

1. It's never just about you.
2. Sometimes, even if you think you're not ready or you're unwilling, you gotta be strong and support others.
3. There's always gonna be some guy throwing stuff at you and/or shouting at you.
4. It's never as simple as goals.
5. Theres gonna be a lot of noise from the crowd and stuff, but you gotta focus on what's important.
6. Never assume its over.
7. How am I gonna live on $10.49 a seminar?! Live with my mom?!
8. I'm NOT gonna live with my mom.
9. Don't lament over stuff you can't change.
10. If you live with your mom and you're over 30, as well as able-minded and bodied, get your own house.
11. It's real different, judging the result for someone else's match according to their supposed strengths, compared to
trying to see your own unfold, knowing how your actions affect everything.

Yeah. Strangely enough, I meant some of those things. Yeah. Wow, today was tiring. And when I say tiring, I don't mean do-homework-all-day kind of tiring, I mean sitting-in-front-of-the-computer-all-day-teaching-myself-how-to-draw kind of tiring. It's harder than it looks, drawing Zero. And I still suck. Ok. But meaningless stuff aside, it's really funny how people can take all kinds of crap, then something as small as contact lenses can trigger an emotional outburst. How stupid. Streams of consciousness. I don't even know what that means. Ok. I predict at this point only two people will be laughing. One will be sarcastic, and the other will be watching Goodness Gracious Me. The third guy will be laughing cause he can't count.

I can win 88k? Who knew?

2004-04-23T19:15:00.000+08:00

Sigh... Another day in the life of me. Another sighish, grammatical rule-defying day. Another vulgarity filled, stupidity loaded, radiation affected day. Another day filled with those fucking fucktards and the fucking fuckers they fuck. Another day where my sarcastic is not appreciative. Another day... you get the point. Today, the fucking fucktard for the day is... H_ _ _ K _ _ A _. Spin the wheel. Though having an I.Q. of more than 3, you should be able to solve already. Kept us back for the whole of lunch, and 10 mins after that. So I didn't havelunch. And guess what? I didn't eat anything during recess cause I was PLANNING ON EATING LUNCH(Due to certain problems beyond our contol i.e. STUPIDITY...). Of course I should have given more leeway to the damage stupidity can do, especially when teamed up with its cousin ignorance and its second godson twice removed by marriage pms. But there is a lesson to be learned here, especially by teachers. It is always a good idea to improve your student' learning environment by sacrificing their eating time so they can concentrate on their other commitments better, having empty stomachs. Bottom line, students work better when they're in pain. Seriously. Don't believe the hype. Never EVER dismiss them before depriving them of their basic needs. Of course if you can deprive them of oxygen, that would be the best ocurse of action. But food is ok too. I mean, wouldn't you feel better knowing your lungs are shrivelling up, desperate for air? If it's not too much trouble, anonymous fucktard, maybe you could rip open a gigantic ulcer in my lower lip and rub a tub of salt in it? Please? Ok, maybe my sarcastic is cause too much problematic for you. Bottom 7 lines, WHO THE HELL CARES ABOUT CLASSROOM CLEANINESS? ESPECIALLY WHEN WE'VE BEEN DISMISSED, ON A FRIDAY?! WHAT THE FUCK?! WE NEED TO GO TO OUR EP3S! HOW THE HELL CAN WE EXCEL IN SPORTS IF THE SCHOOL IS FULL OF FUCKING SHITS LIKE YOU, STARVING US SO THAT WE CAN CLEAN A PLACE WE'RE NOT GONNA USE ON MONDAY?! YOU CAN'T JUST SAY "I expect all of you to achieve excellence in both academics and aesthetics. Oh, by the way, I'll be starving your asses." IF THIS HAPPENS AGAIN, I'M GONNA KICK YOUR ASS SO FAR UP YOUR TORSO, YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO BRUSH YOUR TEETH EVERY TIME YOU SHIT. Then again, only Xinhui can kick that accurately. We wouldn't want your ass ending up in your arm, now would we? Wait. Actually...

Fucking fucktards and the fucking fuckers they fuck aside, training was fucking fucked. It rained from 2.30-4.30, which was damn good. But then, coach screwed us over by giving us hell. Doesn't matter if we can only manage 2km, he'll make up for it by making us sprint til we exhale our lungs out. Luckily I majored in putting-lungs-back-in-ribcage surgery. Damn, I still feel exhausted now... But at least only my bones and organs and muscles are hurting, not my... uh... ok so all of me is hurting. Lol... Ok, not-lol. But we're gonna form a street soccer team for this term's EOTA. I'm afraid its a bit too fast for Ian, though... Must upgrade to Pentium 3... Now only Pentium 0.0386.

"It isn't pollution that is hurting the environment, it's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
-Dan Quayle

2004-04-21T19:42:00.000+08:00

Hehe... Ho DID see us that day... He saw us see him, he saw us duck round the corner, peek out at him, duck back behind the corner, then run as fast as our jelly legs could take us to an alternate route down to the canteen. Call me a coward, but... Ok, i'm a coward. But I could have easily figured out what would the conversation would be like...

*Emageenary Dilog Seekuenes*
Ho: Have you seen Mr. Teo regarding the panel discussion during Consortium Assembly tomorrow?
Me: No.
Bryan: Well... No.
Me: Yeah, no.
Ho: Didn't I tell you to see him?
Both of us (muttering): Duh...
Me: Mm-hm.
Ho: You two... *incoherent* ...chairman... *incoherent* ...monitor...*incoherent* ...responsibility...
Me: He wasn't at his desk.
Ho: Well that's cause you waited until today to see him!
Me: Well... That's true... but... uh... *mumble*... Mm-hm.
Bryan: This line is just here so everybody reading this knows Bryan is still part of this dialogue!
Ho: Go see him.
Bryan: Finally I get a real line! I mean... But he's not at his desk!
Ho: Go find him.
Me: Mm-hm.
Ho: Why do you keep doing that?
Me: Mm-hm.
Hong Chen: *Slurp*
Both of us: Shit.
Aragorn: What say you?
Xing Kai: Amone-amone?

At this point, Ho gets frustrated and goes to whiten his fillings at the base of his lower front teeth.

Now that I've established the fact that I'm psychic: Tomorrow, Hong will rape JJ.

Loophole: If I was psychic, I would not be able to see that dialogue. Instead, I would have foretold it NOT happening.

Now how many of you saw that loophole?

Point is, we're scared to death of Ho. His dark fillings on his teeth fill us with dread.

Lit lessons are getting more and more ridiculous... We're over-reading every single syllable. like: Clouds, grey and cream and copper-coloured.

As usual, this was not a coincidence. Golding didn't just think these were nice colours. Nope. There's always a deep, deep, deep, deep meaning to it. The cream coloured clouds represent Ralph's faction. They're all pure and good. The grey clouds represent the littleuns and samneric, who are undecided about their allegiance. And of course, OF COURSE, the copper coloured clouds represent Jack's tribe, whos souls are corrupted by their natural environment, like rust, which is kinda sorta copper-coloured.

For fuck's sake.

How did Golding expect the average reader to find these stuff out? That's like planting easter-eggs nobody's gonna find. Ever. I bet he would tell a very different story if we were to interview him.

*imgnry dlge sqnc*

Person: So, Mr. Golding, what were your aims in writing "Lord of the Flies"?
Golding: Well... I was kinda bored so I-
Mystery guy whose face is kinda half captured by the camera: Pssst... You wanted to explore the possibilities of the prevelence of the innate savegery of man.
Golding: I wanted to explode the potassium of propulsion in order to imitate sanctity of spam.
Person: Oook... And the phrase "clouds, grey and cream and copper-coloured". What is the significance of that?
Golding: Pretty! Pretty pretty colours! pretteeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
Person: Now, about the propulsion and potassium...
Golding: Oh. The guy there hiding off-screen just told me that he told me that I was supposed to say... What was I supposed to say?
That guy: GO HOME, NOOB!
Golding: Oh yes. I wrote the novel so that I could go home. The meanies at daycare said they wouldn't let me leave until I wrote a novel that would be purchased and misinterpreted by idiots for decades to come.
Person: Yeah. Ok. I work my ass of for 13 years as a pencil pusher to come here and interview this idiot?! I DIDN'T PUSH THOSE PENCILS CAUSE I WANTED TO, Y'KNOW! I PUSHED THOSE STUPID CHEAP PENCILS THAT CAN'T BE SHARPENED WITHOUT FALLING TO PIECES SO ONE DAY I COULD BE ABLE TO INTERVIEW HARRY TRUMAN OR WINSTON CHURCHILL. NOT THIS STUPID IDIOT! I DON'T EVEN LIKE "LORD OF THE FLIES"! IT'S A LOUSY BOOK! I MEAN, C'MON! IF IT WAS SUCH A WELL WRITTEN BOOK, HOW COMW WE TOOK 196 HOURS TO INTERPRET EVERY STUPID PHRASE! SHOULD'NT WE BE ABLE TO SEE THESE DEEP MEANINGS IMMEDIATELY? WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU BALD CEOS TRYING TO PULL?! YOU THINK YOU CAN DO THIS TO ME?! I WON'T FUCKING STAND FOR THIS FUCKING SHIT! YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M GONNA TAKE THIS LAMP, GRIP IT WITH BOTH HANDS, TAKE A GOOD POSITION RIGHT IN FRONT OF THIS ASSHOLE'S CHAIR, RAISE IT HIIIIIIIGH ABOVE MY HEAD, AND KILL THIS BI- *pssssssshhhhhhhhtttttt* *beep*

And now, back to your regularly scheduled program, Days of Our lives...

If you've read the whole blog, you're probably heading off to the dentist's to find out about teeth-whitening right now...

"Caution: Cape does not enable user to fly."
-Batman costume warning label

2004-04-20T19:38:00.000+08:00

Haven't blogged for so damn long... And still haven't got much to say. Chaired consortium assembly today, my tie-tying is DAMN TZAI! Ahem... yeah. so i made Bryan do all thee talking and clicking when it came to the iCouncil ppts and panel discussiong so... I took minutes on the panel discussion, among other important administrative actions, such as standing around, and... uh... standing around. Oh yeah... I clicked "play" and "stop" on the media player too. Lol. "GOOD conduct songs". Then Ho bored us with stuff I didn't wanna do... What's the point of PCME? We get the point. This is good, this is bad. Don't take drugs. Don't drop out. Balance academics and aesthetics. Don't smoke. Communication is important. Listen to what others have to say. Accept others. Accept yourself. If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Winning isn't everything. Be yourself. Respect your elders. Treasure your friends. Now if I had some crayons and 30 pieces of paper, I could put 1 of these quotes on every page, design it like ssome 3 year old, and call it "Aspirin for the Dicklick Shitball's soul". It'd create loads of media hype, people would worship me as the saviour of the new generation, after which I'll blend into the night like a ninja and never be seen again. I'll probably move to the little known country of Singapore (Syng-guh-por) and spend the rest of my life hiding from alleged sex scandals and solicitors. And you thought you knew where I was the whole of last year. Well as a japanese platformer character would say: "fu fu fu..."
Sometimes, do you feel like you don't fit in? Do you think you're different from others in some way? Well that's why I shall now perform a simple quiz to see if you are a different life form from everyone else. Yes, it's possible.

Which of the following do people find most characteristic about your legs?
a) They're hard to make out on that 8-bit sprite.
b) Nobody's seen my legs. Everyone seems to have a bird's eye view of me.
c) Thigh, shin, ankle, foot. I got it all.
d) I'm a slime.

Which of the following best describes your walking patterns:
a) My speed is not correlated to the speed at which my legs move.
b) I keep moving, even though my face's pressed against a wall.
c) 1 foot in front of the other.
d) I'm a slime.

Which of the following best represents your diet?
a) Mushrooms, stars, mushrooms, energy capsules...
b) I don't seem to need to eat. I keep bumping into the table anyhow.
c) What people eat.
d) Bullshit. I'm a slime.

Your favourite pastime?
a) Jumping, running, collecting power-ups...
b) Completing my collection of (insert half-word here)mon!!!
c) Sports, computer, eating, stuff...
d) I'm a slime.

Ok. Now for the evaluation. If most of your answers were:
a), then you're a platformer(e.g. Mario). You should try moving sideways.
b), you're a RPG character. You should try to make it so people stop repeating the same stuff to you.
c), You're normal. Get help.
d), guess what? You're a slime.

Now that I've made the world a little bit better, it's time for me to go. NINJA VANISH! *poof*

Ok... That didn't work very well... Does 156 go to the Ninja Guild?

2004-04-13T21:39:00.000+08:00

Rest from training. Again. I actually miss training... So not training sucks... The fact that I miss training sucks... Training sucks in itself... In a word, fuck. Today was the slackiest tuesday ever. EVER! Teo didn't come, so we spent 2 periods doing a compre exercise... Then we sat in the auditorium making rude signs while singing and dicussing cliched topics. Then the councillors went off to rehearse (again) for their investiture, which turned out to be the only thing lamer than me. Complete with lamely-scripted play, intelligence not included. So during Chinese period, we spent our time doing nothing, besides spending 2 mins showing our essay plans to Ho. And of course I couls SMS openly cause hordes of enthu people were swarming around him. Well, boring day, short post.

What happened? Something's changed...

"I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl."
- Joe Jacoby, NFL Football player, of the Washington Redskins

"To win, I'd run over Joe's mom too."
- Matt Millen, NFL Football player, of the Raiders

2004-04-10T20:04:00.000+08:00

Due to a sudden out burs of teenage angst, I'll blog. Now. And since this is a angsty blog, it won't make any sense to those of you who don't know me well. If you think you know me well and it STILL doesn't make sense, lol... 2 pronouns in this blog, You1, You2. 1 is female. 2 is male. Those who know me should be able to identify these 2 immediately. If you can't, theres really no point reading on.

After yesterday, I feel damn bad cause it feels like everything went wrong. It feels like me and you1 are distancing, and I can't do anything about it. I can't stop thinking about you1, and I know I should cause my life's messed up. But I can't. I guess I'll have to deal with it. Somehow.

Once again, I've screwed up. I know I havent been spending as much time as I should with you2, and I've kinda been a jerk in that aspect. Even if you don't think so. So I'm sorry.

Please don't tag about this post. I just needed a channel to let it all out. Especially those people at school. Just cause I screwed up doesn't mean you have more life experience than me. It's jus cause you've never gotten the opportunity to screw up. But never mind. And Hong, don't niao me about this... Then again I doubt you still read this.

2004-04-10T08:27:00.000+08:00

Ahh... the joys of early-morning blogging. The fresh air, thesense of freedom, the feeling that your ribcage is gonna collapse any moment now, the immense strain on each of your fingers as you feel your carparal tunnels misaligning... bottom line, pain ain't so bad, once you're used to it. Ok. Ranting time. Let's see... How about "Tapirs"? Too broad. Ok. "Homework on unusually long weekends". Everybody knows this phenomenon is caused by different teachers assuming no other teachers will give homework and that we have a lot of time during the weekends due to our total lack of a social life. This can be represented with a...

*Imaginary Dia... You get the idea.*

Generic Teacher: Since you have a lot of time this weeke-
Student: Time? TIME?! What are you talking abou-
Generic Teacher: Its a 3-day weekend!
Student: So we get 2 compos, 3 Assignments, and 7 of those little insignificant "fun" worksheets?
Generic Teacher: Its a 3-day weekend!
Student: That alone will take 8 hours!
Generic Teacher: Its a 3-day weekend!
Student: At least 7 other teachers gave us the same amount! 8 x 8 = 64! Sixty-fucking-four! Out of 72!
Generic Teacher: Its a 3-day weekend!
Students: THAT LEAVES 8 HOURS OF SLEEP FOR 3 DAYS!
Generic Teacher: Its a 3-day weekend!
Generic Teacher: Its a 3-day weekend!
Generic Teacher: You have no chance to survive make your time!
Student: Fuck.

Of course if I spent more time on homework instead of blogging, I might be able to finish all of it, but... *mumble*...
So go do your homework.

Yeah, I know that wasn't exactly the best way to spend 4 hours of our lives, but being with you made it better. Of course the long travelling time was partly my fault, sorry about that. I guess I'll never know if Hellboy is a good movie, I could have missed so many plot points cause I was focusing more on you. Until the next time, I'm sorry.

"Teeth extracted by the latest methodists."
- Hong Kong dental advertisement

2004-04-08T21:24:00.000+08:00

Heh... I'm posting less and less regularly... And it's YOUR fault. Yes, yours. Not mine. I mean, if you lazy buggers would take the time to make me angsty and irritated, I would be able to rant more often. All I'm saying is, I hope all of you can do your part to do stupid things for my own personal amusement. That's all I'm asking. I'm not asking you to get my 4 zuo wens and du hou gan from Ho. I'm not asking you to get a lower MSG than Bryan. I'm just asking you to cause hurt to those you care about (and maybe yourself) in acts of total stupidity so that I can write a few lines about it in my blog. But pointless and insensitive complaints aside, I'm gonna talk about the only thing I can today. Super, Mario. What the hell is with Super Mario anyhow? He changes shape and size with mushrooms, rides dinosaurs with saddles, and runs around castles with a towel tied to his neck. But he's not a super hero, not a Secret Agent, but a plumber. A plumber. The 1 with a silent "b". What the hell is a plumber doing rumming around riding dinosaurs and changing size? And besides, all the people watching sound damn stupid when people walk by... You don't wanna be caught shouting "EAT THE MUSHROOM! GO! GO! SWIM OVER TO THE PIPE! GO IN! NOW JUMP! RIDE YOSHI! RIDE IT! RIDE IT!" when a teacher walks past... Just a gentle reminder, do stupid stuff if you wanna see more stuff here.

It's been a week, and we're finally meeting. I think it's been about 6 days too long to wait though, but in any case, it'll be great to see you again. See you tomorrow then...

"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese."
- Charles De Gaulle, former French President

2004-04-06T21:24:00.000+08:00

To all those who centre their pathetic lives around this, sorry I didn't post yesterday. Actually I'm not sorry. I'm tired. Maybe you should be satisfied that I gave a reason I'm not obliged to give. Today was boring/slacky. Especially assembly. Not that Dr. Ho was boring, and I respect him as a highly-successful individual who has not compromised his morals in order to- yeah he's boring. And the other, equally boring Ho suprised us with a ying yong wen... Technically he did tell us yesterday, but few of us heard cause he told us to do our own stuff... I'm thinking if you're gonna tell us something like that, you had better change your tone, cause all of us learnt to tune out the specific frequency of your voice last year. And now cause you refused to make your voice sound like Mickey Mouse, I'm gonna get marks minused off my ying yong wen. But the ranting doesn't stop there... It never stops... Never... What's with all of you shitheads bugging me about joining the 16x200 relay? What's wrong with you? Haven't you heard of "NOT BEING IN THE FUCKING RELAY TEAM"? There's a reason I didn't wanna join track- I don't enjoy running. I figure I'll just use my skills to do stuff I have to. Like get an A in 2.4. Or shuttle run. I. HATE. TO RUN. And CSM is screwed. It's just a big shitty event to let trackers show off. It's not even a "sports meet". It's a hey-look-i'm-a-tracker-who-only-got-in-cause-the-other-people-who-could-were-multi-talented... err... meet. Of course I got a lot of trackers in my class... And I'll probably get my ass kicked tomorrow... But hey, I've already lost my dignity, and frankly, I'm not looking that hard. If you don't have dignity, you probably don't have humility, and so your moral obligations are destroyed, and so your limits become virtually endless... partly. Almost. Kinda. School is weird... Lately I've been owning in a lot of stuff I'm not supposed to... Like my MRP proposal. 8/10. And Ho liked the stuff I wrote on that worksheet. You know the 1. The 1 I koped/wrote during recess/at 6.45. And then there's 2.4, which I can't stop rubbing in your face... Wait... I OWN YOU GUYS EVERY YEAR.

It was great seeing you yesterday, and I'm pretty psyched about Friday, at that conveniently undisclosed location. And I more or less know that the rest backed out on purpose.

"Those who survived the San Francisco earthquake said, "Thank God, I'm still alive." But, of course, those who died, their lives will never be the same again."
- Barbara Boxer, Senator

2004-04-04T21:03:00.000+08:00

Sigh... Its Sunday again... albeit only for a few more hours... And as usual, I'm regretting not doing my work yesterday. But I finished it. Yes, it took me ridiculous amounts of will power not to get distracted, and I may have killed off a few hundred brain cells, which by the way is shit compared to what we're supposed to have, BUT I'M DONE. IN YOUR FACE, PEOPLE WHO ARE SILENTLY AND COWARDLY LURKING IN THE SHADOWS, WAITING FOR ME TO FAIL! Sigh... I crapped through my book report on Lee Kong Chian... Heck, it'll only be back to haunt me in a year's time, if last year's Xi You Ji thing is any indication. Which it is. I'm finally getting used to my contacts, which rock. They help to put emphasis on the dark circles below my eyes and my tired look in general. Apparently next Friday is a holiday, good friday or something. I bet you'd expect me to make a pun like "What's so 'good' about it?" or "The only thing 'good' about this Friday is the 4-day week!" But instead, I'M GONNA RANT. About what? Why they call it a 4-day week. Of course I could make it simple and clear and not waste the lives of those precious few that still read this... But I'd prefer a Imaginary Dialouge Squence.

*Imaginary Dialouge Sequence*

A: Next week's a 4-day week!
B: It only has 4 days?
A: No... You se-
B: Then why'd you call it a 4-day week?
A: Well that's because-
B: I mean, if we had a 10-day week last week then it'd be understandable, but since we only had SEVEN...
A: Let me put it thi-
C: Heeeey, what you guys talking about?
A: Depends on whether you're asking me or hi-
B: We were just discussing "4-day weeks".
A: No, YOU were ranting on about why it was ca-
C: You mean there are only 4 days?
B: Well, I was trying to explain to our dear A here...
A: You're an idiot.
B: And so I told him, "I mean, if we had a 10-day week last week then it'd be understandable, but since..."
A: I hate my life...
C: Well, you can't expect everyone to understand...
B: Yeah. And I mean, who wouldn't want free cheese?
C: Yeah! That's exactly my point!
A: Can't you 2 ju-
B: By the way, did you watch "Days of Our Lives" yesterday?
C: YEAH! You know Jimmy has a NEW disease this week? It's so rare, even HE doesn't have it!
A: Must... get... Panadol...
B: ...and then Juanita found out that Ricardo was the half sister of her pet dog's chiropractor's lawyer...
A: Must... commit... suicide... too... painful... language skills... compromised...
C: WOW! You know, some people actually think we're abnormal...
*Thump* *Screeeeeeeech* *Squish*
B: Hey! A's roadkill!

Thus... Terms like this are to the general disadvantage of people who can understand them. This blog feels too organised. Maybe I'll be all full of teenage angst to make me look cool. Grr... Graaaargh... Why can't you adults just shut up! You can't control me! You're not the boss of me! Who do you think you are! I can't stop using rhetorical wuetions and overly-used phrases! Wow... That made me feel stupid. While we're on the topic of stupid, why don't we discuss (as in diss and cuss at) book reports. What's up with that? I mean, it's not as if he actually marks them... If he did I WOULD HAVE BEEN HAUNTED BY THE HORRIBLE MEMORIES OF MY BADLY-DONE XI YOU JI DU HOU GAN BY NOW! If I could even see my lousy marks I would be all remorseful and work harder but come on. If I don't dee the consequences of slacking off then what's gonna stop me?

Well nowadays I miss you even more... And I can't wait to see you again. And I'm sorry about yesterday. Though you think there's nothing wrong with me saying all those stuff I realised (after counselling from The Oracle) that even though you may feel the same way, I should be supporting and reasurring you, instead of making us both lose faith in this. So I'm sorry. And I promise I'll be stronger. Heck, I don't even know if you read this stuff. And so maybe this whole damn thing is quoted(NOTE: Koped) from The Oracle. But it's true.

"My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt."
- Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice.

2004-04-03T22:01:00.000+08:00

Today was slacky. Not just slacky, uncomfortable and tiring and painful slacky. Then boring. I had to go learn how to put on my contacts today, contributing to the uncomfortable part. I also had to wear them and report back after 6 hours, and after the long speech by Vincent Ireallydontcarewhathisnameis, it's pretty easy to guess what part of the day that contributed to. My legs hurt form OWNING ALL YOUR ASSES IN 2.4, and of course that was painful. Then I did nothing. Which was the boring part. I managed to practice some guitar... I've almost got the hang of those basic stuffs... Damn this blog is boring... I guess my niche, which is supposed to have some funny mark above the "e", is complaining about stuff... While I'm still boring, you may notice some variations in my use of abbreviations. No, I don't know either. Sigh... nobody looks at this blog... I feel so depressed... Well at least I'll still have me... Hey! Where am I going? Come ba- Shit. I feel like robbing a convenience store... I'm torn between 7-Eleven, who are inconsistent in spelling out and numbering their numbers, and Cheers, which has a bad logo. Sigh... maybe I'll wait till I have funny stuff to post funny stuff... Or maybe I'll ask for sponsors like Nike and Addidas to endorse my blog, in exchange for wearing their shoes when I play waterpolo... Which brings me to a closely-related point. Is it correct to say "I feel depressed"? Shouldn't it be "I'm depressed"? Isn't saying "I feel depressed" like saying "The temperature is hot" or "His speed is fast"? Why do my legs hurt? My theory is that travelling at ultra-sonic speeds damages the structure of one's bones. I know, I know, red bull has sugar, but he gave it his best and he may be an idiot, but he's our idiot. I may be ranting, but at least I don't use my pants as tapir-storing devices. Tapir. Heh. Funny word. Laughing. Heh. Can't. Heh. Talk in. Heh. Complete. Heh. Sentences. Speaking of depression, I've compiled a list of the funniest words ever.

*List of the funniest words ever that I compiled*
1.Tapir
2.Rameshon
3.Weasel
4.Chainsaw
5.Pepperoni
6.(something)-eating
7.Tapir
8.Lumpy
9.Paradigm

Well I really shouldn't be rattling off my secrets... Especially to all of you lumpy, paradigm-eating weasels. Well I'm really tired. Well I should stop blogging, some say it's bad for your gall bladder. Well urp. Well I gotta piah homework.

I can't believe I'm not talking to you. Especially cause i got a lot to say.

"Always go to other peoples' funerals, otherwise they won't go to yours."
- Yogi Berra, Baseball player

2004-04-02T18:01:00.000+08:00

Whoo... Today was pretty mixed... I owned in 2.4, with an amazingly boastable (THERES NOOOOOOO SUCH WOOOOORD!!!) time of 9.36!!! Of course I felt like vomiting afterwards, and it's not like the only one who got an A, but er... ITS JUSTIFIABLE, OK? Yup, didn't get to meet (person) today, and I wish i did. Ho got pissed today, but of course it's not really his fault. But then again, it's not our fault either. we can't be blamed for triggering a psychotic syndrome. So He laoshi, I sincerely hope we can put our differences behind us and... Never mind it sounds like a lot of work. I don't like work, which brings us to the common syndrome... the I Have a Lot of Work But Don't Wanna Do Any of it Syndrome, or the IHLWBDWDAS (Pronounced ih-lwb-wd-as). Heh heh. Jon's phone sucks. But then again, its common for rich people to spend large amounts of money on stuff that doesn't work. It can't send mms, It doesn't have an games, images or tones. So, a conversation about jon's phone would go something like this.

*Imaginary Dialouge Sequence*

JJ: Look at my phone which I spent $99583100.45 on!!!
Me/Bryan/Hong: Does it send MMS?
JJ: No.
M/B/H: Does it have good images?
JJ: No.
M/B/H: Games?
JJ: No.
M/B/H: Tones?
JJ: No.
M/B/H: So it su...
JJ: You want this wad of cash?
M/B/H: Well...
JJ: 2 wads?
M/B/H: Sure!

That may have seemed manipulative and sneaky, but hell, he's got loads of wads. Although we can't figure out why he didn't buy us all Cadillacs and Ferraris (Ferrari- It's the Cadillac of cars) , we forgive him... as long as he doesn't lose his ability to reproduce, an which case we'll rush off to make friends with Edward, who is more likely to inherit most of Far East Organisation in that case. But I'll eventually have to make friends with him anyway... I already sold all the stock that JJ gave me... and blew it all off on ice cream at the poolside cafe. Well few other know what it's like to be a multi-millionaire for a few minutes. Simply because Everyone else would be smart enough to save or invest it. The point is, RNA polymerase recognizes and attaches to a DNA nucleotide chain at the beginning of the gene, at a place called the promoter. The promoter positions the RNA polymerase on the right strand of DNA and guides it to the right direction. Juuuuuust kidding. The point is, I miss (person). But I'd rather not TOTALLY WASTE this blog on James. We ate at the poolside cafe, and were sian enough to play truth or truth. Why the hell doesn't Esmond have a sleazy love life? His is about as exciting as Yip Kang's. Soooooo we couldn't get anything out of Esmond. And basically... well everything was really boring. And btw, if you're wondering where the Humour Tip of the Day is, it's gone. I figured if some of my great sense of humour hasn't rubbed off on you yet, give up. forget never giving up until the end. That's bullshit. Cause my influence is the ultimate way to get funny. To replace the Humour Tip blah blah bleagh, I shall post some NBAQ (Never-before asked questions) about this blog.

NBAQ:

Q: Who is this person you keep not-mentioning?
A: Noooooooone of your business...

Q: Why did you post a question you're not gonna answer?
A: So you would get off my back. Evidently it hasn't worked.

Q: Why is this stuff not funny on some days?
A: Cause my mood changes. Thaaaaaat's right, I'm a human being too.

Q: What is your stand in Evolution vs. Creationism?
A: Sometimes, life presents us with mysteries we may never be able to understand. This spurs us on to greater heights, and ignites a desire inside of each of us to reach beyond ourselves.

Q: I don't see the animations. What's going on?
A: My guess would be stupidity.

Q: Really?
A: Yes.

Q: Isn't this essentially an argument between you and nobody?
A: Well, it's interesting, really, it's kinda like... *mumble*... forceps... *mumble*... Xanthophyll... *mumble*...

Q: Well, it's like this. Lately I've noticed a big lump on my eyelid. When I blink, it hurts. In fact I only have partial vision. I've tried appying Citric acid, Methyl Orange, and just about anything I could find and had a fancy name, but the lump STILL won't go away! What should I do?
Jonathan Jam... Lumpy.
A: Wow, you tried applying random chemicals already? This is waaaaay out of my job description... But chances are, you're a noob. Or a n00b. If you would come here, closer... closer... BACK OFF!

Phew, now that's done, I bet all of you are full of other burning questions I should have addressed. Well I'll be happy t- SCREW OFF!

2004-04-01T22:10:00.000+08:00

I'm tired... cranky... was struggling through my 1st elec guitar lesson... but that'll get better... most likely... anyhow i got 2 weeks to work on that, since next thursday is a completely randomly scheduled course holiday. Sigh... my shoulders ache after carrying my bag and *SOMEONES* guitar back home... but then again I volunteered to help. Stupid self. Aaaargh. Was missing *SOMEONE ELSE* pretty bad today, and why the hell did you play that prank on me ian. So it was funny. So it was in good taste. So you caught me completely off guard. Shit now I can't counter the point. But I can't believe I fell for that. Nice 1, ian. I'm not making sense, am I? And speaking of nonsense, its time for my daily obligation, the...

humour tip of the day... groan...

3. Playing on universally accepted practices in writing
This technique is used solely in the writing of satirical fables, as fables have loopholes (think talking animals and characters with no opinions), and when using this technique, one can start to rant about these stereotypes.

Examples:

1. Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, lived a pair of talking tapirs. Talking tapirs. WHERE CAN YOU FIND TALKING TAPIRS?! WHAT DO YOU THINK THIS IS, SPIDERMAN?!

2. King: As thanks for saving her, you may have my daughter’s hand in marriage.
Princess: Hey now, don’t I get any say in this?
King and prince: No. Shut up.

Well that was repetetive... Damn i can't believe I actually miss training. I'm too tired to explain why... And if you complain about my blog not being funny today, then you're a dicklick shitball who needs to stop clubbing baby seals and funny blog's and get a life/dick/brain. I'm entitled to my off days too. But back to the cheerful, fun-loving, unassuming mozzie. Heh Tai Boon came over today. And if he doesn't return my clothes tomorrow I'll... I'll... ask him nicely to return them by Monday. Heh he got pranked too today. I bet he's still in shell shock now... Shit I just realised tomorrow is 2.4... Guys, just remember, no matter who you are, I'LL THRASH YOUR SORRY 64% RECYCLED PAPER ASS IN 2.4! Yes, only I could be so incoherent in terms of language use. Only mine, be the bestest of we, possibility in possesion of a talented of incoherent! Be not you sarcasm with I! I be destruction be in ultimatum forms! If be you not be understandness of this, many Tiger and Corona you be in the drinking, to the pointed that be you tipsy of understandable! If not you see this coherence, FUCK OFF!!!!!11111one

2004-03-31T16:29:00.000+08:00

Heh. History presentations today. I missed some lines in reheasral due to *mumble*... Since the other groups sucked/sucked, we had to go 1st... I kinda forgot how to do satires... Anyhow we own in creativity, cause the other groups just read stuff. James is rich (no pun intended), but he's about as funny as a microwave. Some quotes from his group members...

"He setted up..." -Hong
"He inroduced a... He introduced... uh...*Darrell takes over*" -LSD
"He showed... He stopped... *Pained look*" -LSD
"And...uh... bleagh. *Darrell takes over*" -Ryan

Leefy actually showed us how to use the machine stuff today. Heh. "Handy PEA" is the worst name ever. EVEEEEEEEER! Then we had no idea what to do after we connected the fluorometer to the comp so we activated multiple drop-down menus in a attempt to create and leverages synergies in a win-win proposition that migrates our values to the white spaces of the eosystems. So after we were done using jargon and not-working the comp, we asked our seniors, who took over our thing. So we told leefy we did stuff, then left. Well all our teachers were pissed today, for various reasons. Other than the inborn Pissyndrome. And Ryan's sent items is damn nice to read. But his inbox is boring. Which means nobody reciprocates his affections. Heh. And he can't strangle people for nuts. While we're all happy reading this, why not have todaaaaaaaaay's:

Humour Tip of the Day:

4. Contrasting sentence attributes
This technique is almost self-explanatory. But this technique is deceptively difficult to execute. You also need to switch from non-technical terms to complete jargon, or vice-versa. People who like run-on sentences will excel in this, if they are able to control their tendencies temporarily.

Example:

A: darn my handphone is screwing up.
B: maybe you dropped it too much.
A: maybe I left it in the washing machine by mistake.
B: or maybe you forgot to recalibrate the quantum settings to optimise the attributes of its mechanical structure in order to leverage its synergies in a great increase in performance.

You may recognise some of this jargon from your teachers. Of course thay don't need to use jargon... As illustrated by none other than Ho *cough* Kiat.

*Imaginary Dialouge Sequence* (translated)

Student: Mr. Ho, what happened to last year's book reports?
Ho *cough* Kiat: Well, I need to compile a *mumble*... final... *mumble*...
Student: Mr Ho? Could you answer my question?
H*C*K: Well I didn't check my email inbox yesterday...
Student: I asked you 10 seconds ago. Using my mouth.
H*C*K: *Stones for the rest of the period*

(the period ends)

Student: Mr. Ho...
H*C*K: HEY LOOK OVER THERE!
Student: (Looks)

(H*C*K runs)

But now Ho *cough* Kiat makes us make our parents sign on the content page next to every received documents cause he wants to avoid being niaoed... If you saw it, you would say "Wow, nice idea. This guy, is Legit" But we know better, don't we? Damn... i got a backache from hunching over the computer like a neanderthal hunching over a computer. Which in that case, would be an anachronism. And i'm amazingly tired... I jus may fall asleep halfway through typi

2004-03-30T19:47:00.000+08:00

After half a year, I'm blogging again. Of course I lack stamina and I'll probably lose interest in a few weeks, but while I'm still full of inspiration, I'll probably be blogging everyday until everyone stops looking at this. And I'm too lazy to link or put a counter or uh... you get the idea. Btw I tried to make a book of the same title of this blog, but I realised it was a lousy way to get credit points so I'll be posting snippets of my incomplete book here. I'll probably be putting pointless dialogues here describing events too... And maybe I'll still wanna end every single 1 with "Damn, Homey!"

Humour Tip of the Day:

Narrator-Character Synchronisation
This is where the narrator of a plot uses descriptive terms (i.e. ones that nobody would use in a real-life situation) and then the character uncannily repeats it.

Example:

Narrator: The patrons were alarmed and frightened at this sudden and violent turn of events.

Patron: I am both alarmed and frightened at this sudden and violent turn of events!

Heh, how cool is that right? Tip: Its only cool cause I use words like "Synchronisation".

Today, nothing really happened. Or more accurately, I didn't happen. Tuesday's always slacky cause we only got double periods of Chinese and English, and 2 hours of assembly and PCME. I think the only thing that happened today was me getting sleepy in the auditorium and falling back so fast that I woke myself up. Then there's that part where I had to take the bus with Hong... Which is damn scary... ask JJ. Or Bryan. I was pretty preoccupied with non-work today, and if you know what I'm talking about, then... *mumble*. notice how I didn't actually finish that statement? It's a common technique used by police...

*Imaginary Dialogue Sequence*

Concerned mom: When your police dogs find my son, they'll just bring him back safely, right? They won't hurt him or anything, will they?

Police guy: Well... erm... it's interesting, really... it's just that *mumble*... dog... *mumble*

Well I didn't expect to write so much... yah ok. How inconclusive can you get... *mumble*